Entry 1

Dear Diary,

Is that how I’m supposed to start this thing?

I’ve been assigned to write into you by my therapist who thinks jotting down my feelings everyday could work. I told her there’s no way I can do this everyday so we compromised to every Sunday. 

The goal of this exercise (as she said) is to understand the timeline of my life, and work to unpack whatever led me down this route. I can’t say that this is beneficial to me or that I want to do this, but it’s court ordered. Also she’s going to be able to read this every week before our sessions. So I will likely lie in here a bit. JK Alana! I promise to be as truthful as I feel like being.

So where do I start, I guess she said to bring up all of my significant relationships and even those that may not have lasted long but still have lasting effects on me. So, I guess I will start at the beginning. With Kevin.

Kevin No Last Name

I remember Kevin vaguely. The same way I can recall my very first memory. Me walking to daycare when I was about four or five. There isn’t much to the memory except for the feeling of anticipation, fear, and disbelief. Feelings I wouldn’t have been able to identify at that age. See, the memory is fuzzy. blurry. Theres spots of green, probably from the trees because I was enrolled in the summer. There’s my mothers hand in mine, warm and sturdy. There’s my older sister, who is dropped off at the elementary school before me. Then there’s me in the daycare room. Lots of other kids roughly around the same age as me. I remember everything being sticky. There were alot of toys, and so much colour. The last thing I can recall is tears. Shed by me, and many other kids who were taken into the bright room and left by the people meant to take care of them. That’s how I remember Kevin, through colours, feelings I can’t identify, and a warm hand in mine.

I was five when we met. Five when I realized I had a crush on him. Whatever that meant. I just knew I liked hanging around him and I wanted to marry him on the playground. During this time I always hung out with boys. It was me Kevin and Dan. Kevin was of East Asian decent, Dan was Jamaican. He was my best friend and I really liked him. But not in the same way I liked Kevin. Dan didn’t make me nervous, he didn’t give me butterflies (back then I thought it was that my stomach hurt).

We hung out all the time, just us three. Then came Tabitha. She was white with big curly hair and light blue eyes. I remember wanting to be her friend, then we were friends. I upgraded her to my best friend, demoting Dan because I used to be teased for always hanging out with the boys. It’s funny how when I was younger, all I did was hang out with other boys, but as I grew older, my cirlcle of friends consisted of only girls. That’s besides the point.

Our threesome became a foursome, and shortly after, Dan expressed his like for Tabitha and they started “dating.” We held a ceremony by the garden in our school to comemorate the day. I remember feeling jealous. Wondering why Dan didn’t like me but liked Tabitha. Also wondering why Kevin didn’t tell me he liked me the way Dan told Tabitha. I don’t know what made me sadder, but during the ceremony, my thoughts weren’t very happy.

My sister and Tabitha were the only one’s who knew about my crush on Kevin. During that time my friends and him were all I talked about. We were in the same class for grade two and meant to be in the same class for grade three, until my parents decided to up and move. I was heartbroken. Dan and Tabitha continued to date, breaking up every other week. There dating consisted mainly with all four of us playing with each other so it didn’t count for much. But I also wanted that title with Kevin.

So here’s the good part, this might be what Alana is looking for in this story. It was the last few days of school. Tabitha and I were on the swings while Dan and Kevin played on the monkey bar. She was upset about me leaving, as was I. Were were moving to a city 45 minutes away from here and it meant changing schools completely. I was happy about the house, I was able to have my own room in the house. Currently I shared one with my older and younger sister. And my mom was pregnant with a boy, so there was definitely no more room for him in that room.

Anyways. Tabitha called Dan and Kevin over. As usual my butterflies started to pick up. By then I was able to identify it because Tabitha told me what it meant. Suddenly Tabitha stops, stands up, and turns to face me and Kevin, who stands beside me as I kicked the dirt on the floor.

“Kevin, did you know Diamond has a huge crush on you? You should know before she leaves.”

My mouth dropped open in shocked. She pinky promised me she would never tell him. She was my new best friend upgraded from Dan.

Dan snickers at this discovery, and when I turned to Kevin, his cheeks were flushed pink as he stared at me. I was so embarrased. I was livid. More importantly, I felt betrayed.

Before anyone can utter another word, my legs picked me up from the swing seat, and began running towards the school building. I saw my favourite teacher standing by the school doors, blocking any unsupervised entrance. By this point, tears were streaming down my face.

He asked me what’s wrong, and when I told him Tabitha told Kevin I liked him - a truth I thought would only be between us - he laughed and said it’s not a big deal.

Not a big deal.

As I write this now, it’s like yeah, it’s not. But as a six year old, it was a big F#%#@%^ deal.

I ignored Tabitha for a week before accepting her apology only a few days before the end of the school year. By then I didn’t care to keep her in my best friend list. I was finally happy about my move. I hid out in classrooms, offering to help teachers with anything they needed to avoid seeing Kevin and Dan. Kevin tried to talk to me many times, but I was too embarrassed about what he would say. How he would reject me. On the last day of school, I went to the playground with Tabitha, Dan and Kevin. Kevin shared his double packed twinkie with me and we never talked about the crush again.

Not sure what this will give you Alana other than an embarrassing story by an overly emotional 6 year old. But that’s my entry.

TTYL Diary